holding back the tears…
February 25th, 2008“Since we’re sharing pictures, here’s a picture of my baby at 12 weeks!”
“Wow! Congratulations!” “Now we can talk more about Baby Stuff! So, Mae hurry up & join the bandwagon!”
I felt like the world shook, I fell from the 22nd floor, crashed on the basement parking and have the concrete rubble of a 24+7 storey building pressing against me. Forcing tears out of me. I had to fight it. I wanted to keep quiet and stay out of their conversation…. Pretend that I am engrossed with work… diffuse them out of my mind… even for a while.
“No! this is not how I want to react to this! No!”, I thought I struggled to hold back the tears. Braced myself.. “This too shall pass… they don’t know.”
Even now, as I write about this, I can’t help but Hold back the tears. It’s not easy but I am staying strong.
“I can’t yet because of these two preggies in my department. Otherwise, there won’t be anyone left here. Not yet.”, I bluffed or snapped even…with a forced smile..if one can call it smile.
I know, to some of you this will seem overly exaggerated. Well, let me tell you this. Don’t say nor think anything unless you have been in that “someone’s” shoes. For those of you who are new here, hubby & I have been trying to get pregnant since our church wedding last July 2007. Not very long, I know. Honestly, I wouldn’t at all mind the wait because I believe in “God’s perfect time”. The only thing I can’t stand is people’s insensitivity that, often unaware, they are pressuring me (or us) unnecessarily. As if we are not doing anything about it!
My recent brush with the “cancer” idea probably made me even more sensitive and vulnerable. Anyway… I told hubby about it this morning… and he just hugged me… reassured me…
“I am just here, loving you even more each day.” Sigh. Again, I found strength. 
No related posts.
February 26th, 2008 at 10:17 am
well, sabi nila, listening to other people’s demise would help to cheer you up. It will make your own worries seem insignificant. it works,…sometimes.
try natin. here’s a list of my current worries:
1. aches & pains particularly the lower back, butt area, rib pains (baby kicks u) and you wake up due to cramps early in the morning and you whine in pain that it wakes up hubby, thus ruining his sleep, and wake up to a bad mood.
2. morning sickness sometimes even at night. although some women are lucky not to experience this at all….
3. the feeling of being heavy, being big, you either feel pretty (lucky you) or you feel…undesirable. like when your nose swells up and turns red like a tomato.
4. bending becomes more difficult as the months pass by. you can’t even wear your own shoes. eventually, wearing your own undies might become an obstacle. you also can’t cut/clean your toe nails.
5. stretchmarks. it’s one thing you can’t avoid. i’ve religiously applied creams to my tummy. religiously, i say. i think i do this more often than i say my prayers. but alas, stretchmarks have ruled and dominated the belly.
6. painful/sore s3x. what more can i say???
7. other worries: abdominal pains, bleeding gums, constipation, discomfort in bed, flatulence, frequent urination, heartburn, insomnia, itching, oedema, pigmentation, rashes, shortness of breath, etc.
hah! ang dami no?!
February 26th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
*hugs*
February 26th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
February 26th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
February 26th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Awh Ate Mae, don’t worry. Like you said, you believe in God’s perfect plan and the time will come. I’m sure he has great plans for you guys. Wish you all the best
February 26th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
maeyo. can i say that i may not be in the same position but it in a way, this is how i feel when im with you guys or surrounded by all you - pressured, alone, so out of place. it was getting harder and harder for me to stick around when all it did to me was make me feel so lonely. month after month, one by one, all of you were in that phase…and i couldnt relate. god knows im not even half way there…
i feel for you right now and god knows ive been praying for you and ariel to be given that same gift, if not now, sooner. i know and i believe it will happen for you. in god’s own perfect time. just be strong po. take care of yourself. and remember, that you may not be experiencing the baby boom right now, but at least you have one thing you can be thankful for, thankful for experiencing it every single day of your life right now…that is the love of man who is standing by you, every step of the way. so you are blessed and lucky.
hugs and kisses.
February 27th, 2008 at 12:43 am
awww… maeyo.
all i can i say you are not the only one (and I got married May of 2006).
it is hard and can be discouraging and sometimes even if people are well-meaning, all you hear are fuzzies amidst the pain. it is not uncommon to want to glance over the baby stuff when one goes shopping and how one can literally hear the heart break when attending baby showers.
from one wifey to another though, take heart. This time in the desert serves a purpose that we sometimes do not understand but in hindsight, like what mahryska said, His time is always perfect.
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
February 27th, 2008 at 1:59 am
February 27th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Thank you so much ladies. You have no idea how comforting your comments have been.
God bless.
February 27th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Chie… your words is the one that most comforted me… I guess because it is coming from someone “who knows how it feels”. Thank you so much!
February 27th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Hay naku Meyo masyado ka daw kasing mainipin! Tinetest ka lang ulit. Remember nung time na wala pa si Ikaw sa buhay mo. Same same din tong situation na ‘to. He’s just taking time to wrap your perfect little present. So wak na magfa afek afek. Byaan mo na sila and just say that dadating din yang inaanak ko!!!! hahahaha magpresenta ba daw
me lang and bebi haku
sorry sa pagkukulit. pinapasaya lang naman namin buhay mo e. para praktisado ka na pag bebi mo na dumating
February 28th, 2008 at 10:57 am
maeyo, dont feel so bad, u lucky kasi u still wearin ur clothes, imagine mo kapag pregers ka na, naku maloloka ka, lahat ng nisabi ni nooner totoo un!! hehehe… ur time will come not now but soon… kaya wait ka lang dont worry urself too much…. wub u dami dami
from scott and jinkay
February 28th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Hi! Maeyo. I can certainly feel the same way. It wil happen in His own time. If it makes you feel any better, how about someone like me: been married almost two years, did IVF twice and still no luck. According to our specialist, everything is fine with me and hubby, pero wala talaga.
Life goes on and we’re happy despite the missing little one. Have faith and keep trying.
February 29th, 2008 at 5:58 am
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February 29th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
wheeww! what was I thinking? I should have written married almost eight years!!! I was probably thinking about having IVF two times. Sorry for that.
March 1st, 2008 at 4:58 pm
No worries Juliana.
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